Kaufman: Biden should open the month with this national address

This article contains satire

Joe Biden

In a surprise development, President Joe Biden will address the nation tonight from the White House. He plans to speak on a variety of topics, offering contrition, some new policies, and a path forward for bipartisanship in America.

As leaked documents estimate the number of unaccompanied migrant children crossing the U.S.-Mexico border to jump from 16,000 in March to 50,000 each month through September, Biden will confess his dovish campaign rhetoric and policy reversals initiated this enormous influx and ongoing tragedies. Seeing his poll numbers tank on the issue, he will announce plans to send migrant children to America’s college towns, large cities and affluent blue state suburbs, since those areas long supported unfettered illegal immigration and denounced border security measures.

Continuing this Sister Souljah moment, Biden will apologize for not calling on reporters from America’s most-watched network at last week’s press conference, honor the Border Patrol’s heroic service, and denounce past hatred from noxious left-wing politicians toward them.

After months of avoidance, the president will announce he’s visiting the southern border Monday.

Biden will then expose the anti-gun lobby’s longstanding lies about “gun show loopholes” and mythical clichés like “anyone who wants one can get one” doesn’t match. Citing a Wednesday story from Bearing Arms involving his son, he’ll say most anti-gun activists have never owned a firearm, and gun ownership is a “constitutional and cultural issue, not a political football.”

He will recant unwarranted fearmongering by CDC Director Rochelle Walensky, and urge governors across the nation to follow the leads of red states by lifting restrictions, as successful vaccination programs continue.

He will also renounce science-denying teachers unions, who continue to gobble up taxpayer money while ruining kids’ lives.

Reflecting on Wednesday’s bizarrely authoritarian speech in Pittsburgh, Biden will acknowledge his administration is pushing new policies more extreme than his old boss ever dreamed, which makes it easier for Republicans to oppose. He will explain how even Barack Obama negotiated with Republicans early in his presidency, while Biden nodded to the opposition party before ramming through his statist agenda without them. 

He will instead pledge to ignore radical voices in his party and live up to campaign promises to be a unifier. This could include rejecting constitutionally dubious bills like the bigoted “Equality Act,” or For the People Act,” cease lying about Georgia’s new election laws, and slowing profligate spending.

In a key portion, the president will reportedly harken back 16 years to what he considers his best Senate speech, a defense of the filibuster. He will quell racial pandering on the matter, say current comparisons to Jim Crow are absurd, because for nearly half a century, he was a proud defender of the filibuster. 

From that 2005 speech, Biden will cite a portion where he said, “The Framers created the Senate as a unique legislative body designed to protect against the excesses of any temporary majority” and to destroy it would harm “America’s sense of fair play.” He also will re-emphasize that “the Senate ought not act rashly by changing its rules to satisfy a strong-willed majority acting in the heat of the moment.”

He’ll also rehash his claim that removing the filibuster “would send a terrible message about the malleability of Senate rules. No longer would they be the framework that each party works within. There are plenty of times I would have loved to change this rule to pass a bill or to confirm a nominee I felt strongly about. But I didn’t, and it was understood that the option of doing so just wasn’t on the table. You fought political battles; you fought hard; but you fought them within the strictures and requirements of the Senate rules.”

Lastly, there is talk the vice president will appear via video. She will admit she’s completely ill-prepared and overwhelmed by the jobunqualified for this role, and was chosen only to check boxes. She will resign, to be replaced by Sen. Joe Manchin.

West Virginia Gov. Jim Justice will appoint a Republican senator to Manchin’s seat, since the Mountain State is staunchly conservative. The president will confess he realizes this enables the GOP to control the U.S. Senate, but considering the Democrats’ agenda is so out of touch with America, he understands.

Biden will conclude by asking viewers to check the date on their calendar, laugh, and walk away with Bernie Sanders for a “planning session.”